Few days a ago when I was taking a walk with my family, my son who loves picking flowers, went for the rose. The beauty of the flowers and his enthusiasm clouded his insight or awareness of the thorns. "Mummy it hurts" I heard him called out. "Well, you have to RESPECT the THORNS when you want to go for the ROSE, else it will prick you." I told him.
Because I am dealing with a curious child, may Allaah bless him, and continue to preserve him upon goodness, we had a few sections talking about roses, their THORNS, and the BEAUTY.
There is no ROSE without a thorn.
This is one of my favorite quotes in relative to roses, and it resonates so well as I recently had a previous session with the group of sisters in our female Halaqa, where we talked about PATIENCE.
Patience! Over the years that I have trained and still learning as an etiquette coach, I have seen PATIENCE as an important tool that most people neglect, abuse, or misunderstand.
My perspective or understanding of patience is influenced by many factors, one of which is when I had to stay with my maternal grandmother and her then best friend turned sister-in- law, may Allaah have Mercy on their souls and widen their graves(Aamiyn). They were both wonderful people but with different personalities. I am smiling as I write this, it really was FUN and reflective spending time with "Iya Pupa" and "Iya Dudu" (that was what they were called, because of their complexions, and complementary perspectives and personalities.)
Learning from those two old women was a gift that I am grateful for, AlhamdulilLaah. But hey, experience is not enough. As the mind is said to be a creature of habits which thrives upon the dominating THOUGHTS one feeds it. Not all knowledge that one accumulate through experience is accurate. As Allaah willed, I also had to spend two years with my grandmother in-law after marriage, another beautiful experience with it's rose and thorns, may Allaah continue to preserve her upon goodness(the only grandma I have left).
So, as I am growing with time by Allaah's Rahmah, intentionally, and intelligently exploring people, through acquired knowledge of interpersonal relationship, mostly from Islamic point of view, added with my past EXPERIENCES, I am able to define PATIENCE by the circumstances surrounding it, and this is what most people need to understand in regards to it. Nothing beats experience accompanied with required knowledge, alhamdulliLaah for the blessing of Islam which adds meaning to every experience. We as individuals have to have intentional relationships with the teachings of our Deen, as Allaah Subhannahu wa TaAlla has Ordered, the sayings of the Prophet, the companions and those who succeed them. Alaysalatu wasalam.
There are several MISCONCEPTIONS as to what patience really is, especially among women. An example is when a woman is in an abusive or toxic relationship and she keeps indulging it, quite ironic that is her own understanding of patience. Indulging t animosity, which Allaah, subhanahu wa TaAlla warns us against. We are expected to forbid wrong, not indulge it, Allaah hates it, and it is obligatory on Muslims to stand against it. And by doing so, you do not only help yourself, but the oppressor. Some even term patience as accepting that which is DETRIMENTAL to their NAFS(souls), which is most likely draining them spiritually; that may result in them disobeying the commands of Allaah. So, what is the essence of the patience or tolerance, if you will end up being frustrated to the extent of harming your mental health, or slandering your fellow Muslim if you cannot call them to order. This is FALSE patience, then true definition of patience is forfeit. Patience does not mean we should not be able to see a difference between the time of ease and time of hardship, Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawzi(may Allah bless him) said in his book Uddat As-Sabirin wa Dhakhirat; " This is too difficult, and we are not instructed to be like this. Allaah has created us in such a way that we feel the difference between times of ease and times of hardship, and all that we can do is REFRAIN from panicking at times of stress. Patience does not mean feeling the same at both easy and difficult times. That is beyond us, and is not part of our nature" , and from experience and meeting people, this is one of the best scholarly definition of patience that I have come across. We are not to exceed the permissible limit, that is the real deal in patience.
What then is PATIENCE?
SOBR,(the Arabic meaning to patience) is the best way to describe patience. Patience, Sobr is an Arabic word derived from the root"to detain", "refrain" or "stop". Literally, or linguistically, Patience is much more than what most people define it to be, or what they assume it to be.The TRUE patience that Allaah commands us, that the Prophet(peace and Mercy be upon him) encouraged us to have, is an attribute that involves CONTROLLING ONESELF properly, to remain away from what intelligence and ISLAMIC law determine one should stay away from, or adhere to.
From the hadith of RasuluLah, the term Sobr is used in several ways, or instances; the usage results in SUCCESS and VICTORY.
It is a psychological attitude, not just a mere word that we find ourselves use carelessly, without meaning it or acting on it, or truly encouraging those whom we may be preaching it to as required by their situation. Patience is generic and it has distinct name and description
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Again, I say "there is no ROSE without THORNS" I have not diverted from this, this phrase resonates in two ways to me, the first is the concept of PATIENCE - sacrifices, actions, and their rewards or consequences.
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| rose with thorn. |
Patience in term of our Worship to Allaah is the ROOT, it is what we are commanded to have and hopefully get rewarded for it. That is to carefully and consciously walk on THORNS in regards to Taqwah, how we align every of our dealing while consciously fearing our Lord. However we established that patience should never deviate from this.
As narrated in an hadith of RasululLah where;
Mustaurid al-Qurashi reported:
I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: The Last Hour would come (when) the Romans would form a majority amongst people. 'Amr said to him (Mustaurid Qurashi): See what you are saying? He said: I say what I heard from Allah's Messenger (ﷺ). Thereupon he said: If you say that, it is a fact for they have four qualities. They have the patience to undergo a trial and immediately restore themselves to sanity after trouble and attack again after flight. They (have the quality) of being good to the destitute and the orphans, to the weak and, fifthly, the good quality in them is that they put resistance against the oppression of kings.[Sahih Muslim]
The SHADES of PATIENCE.
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| the spectrum of patience, with beautiful REWARD, In Shaa Allaah. |
Patience can mean HONOR, a very good example is the story of Prophet Yusuf, when he was said to be seduced by his mistress, but he patiently retrained from the demoralizing request to protect or control his honor, and staying away from such was him being patient within the situation and having his integrity preserved. Which is expected of every morally grounded human. You can be patient with your sexual urges by having self- control, of which the opposite is greed or lust, as said by scholars. There is an instance where the act of patient can mean discretion - staying away from that which may lead you to slandering or lying, by controlling your mouth from such, then you have patience in the usage of your words.
I remember most of the sisters at the Halaqa gave FORBEARANCE as their own understanding of patience, Forbearance is a very popular qualifier of patience, mostly used when there is a need to control anger, instead of taking an hasty decision, or overreacting.
The spectrum of patience is so much that most of the time people get carried away and overlook one of the act of patience that I personally admire in one of the Sahaba of RasuluLah( May Allaah grant them Mercy), Omar Ibn Khattab; his COURAGE is an incredible act of patience. He was being patient by standing up firmly for the Deen, instead of running away or neglecting the right action. For instance, when he had to demote Khalid as the commander of the Muslim army, his reason was justified, but at that instance, not everyone agreed or understood his point, it took a while for Khalid to agree that their conflicts of opinions was for Allaah's sake as they both had a valid points, whereas the point of the leader supersedes others, as far as it is not contradictory to the rulings of Islam, and Allaah knows best. The Sahaba, from Seerah, knew what is good, they wanted VICTORY and the best act of patience was COURAGE purposely for success for Allaah's sake.
Most of the times, we choose cowardice where we are supposed to be courageous, and we term it patience. We give in to oppression or abuse; forgetting that maybe the patience we needed was COURAGE. We forget that patience has to be in TERM with INTELLECT and ISLAMIC rulings - we pull more on our spiritual, mental and psychological health, we go for false patience which will earn us more harm, may Allaah help those who need to understand this part of patience. The patience that requires taking ACTION, not necessarily in relating with other people, but maybe on our own internal struggles, like limiting beliefs, self-doubts, procrastination, ego and the likes. Or even self-defence without violating.
Gracefulness and STEADINESS, which is agreeing to the DECREE of our Lord instead of hotheadedness, choosing sincere FORGIVENESS instead of revenge is another beautiful SPECTRUM of patience that has lost it's PURPOSE within our community, when we are supposed to STRIVE to refrain from taking revenge, or paying evil with evil; or you taking the pain to give out from that which you OWN, your GENEROSITY the neglected spectrum of patience- by genuinely choosing to go for patience when others go for stinginess or miserliness.
At some point in our lives, patience may mean being INITIATIVE instead of being helpless, or blaming or accusing people. Those times when our best patience to go for is manliness.
Narrated Anas:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The real patience is at the first stroke of a calamity."
.......Sahih al-Bukhari
These are TRUE definitions of patience as prescribed by Allaah. He who knows us, and what we can bear. Indeed, His Wisdom is Infinte.
Allaah says:
Al-'Asr 103:3
إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّٰلِحَٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا۟ بِٱلصَّبْرِ
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.
Although, as imperfect being, we are not expected to exhibit all of these spectrum of PATIENCE. No! we are not wired that way, we are communal being, created to complement one another, who strive in the right company. This I have learned from the two old ladies. That is how connected we are, when one person needs a particular spectrum at one instance, others are supposed to give a hand, either by counseling, admonishing, or the person outsource the right help. That was the ways of The Companions, our predecessors, those whom we are expected to strive to be like.
Patience, the ROOT to a serene life, the true obedient to Allaah; if only we can adopt the spectrum when it is needed. And this brings me to this: "where there is a rose there is a THORN".
The abuse of PATIENCE, the neglect of human weaknesses, the forgetfulness that we all have our strengths and weaknesses. It is unfortunately that most people know little about themselves, to talk of understanding other people, as a result, find themselves in situations where they fail to use the RIGHT patience, they forget that our life journey involves around PATIENCE but in different SPECTRUM, as requiredby TIME.
Al-Baqarah 2:153
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱسْتَعِينُوا۟ بِٱلصَّبْرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَ ٱلصَّٰبِرِينَ
O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.
Dear friend, maybe you own patience in regards to your situation is to be BRAVE, to maintain calmness, to tolerate, to persevere, or supporting others but first you need to understand yourself and sincerely adopt TRUE patience in accordance to Allaah's commandments. And most importantly do not get tired of striving, STRIVE, and hope for MERCY.
PS: Some people may have strong patience in doing what is good, but weak patience in restraining from harmful actions; so be flexible when dealing with others, as our patience differ. True Patience is the best ACTION that can give spiritual joy, and good joy bi'idnilLah. Intention, shariah, shyness or consciousness of Allaah , accepting Qadar , and believe in CERTAINTY!!! And never forget we NEED patience to fulfil our obligations to Allaah. To think for of our choices in both life and HEREAFTER. It is said that patience at the time of ease is harder than at the time of adversity, so we are warned againt the fitnah. May it be easier on us.
He who is patient, Allaah will bestow patience upon him. I pray Allaah grant you and I the strength to have full PATIENCE for His sake, to seek Mercy in life and hereafter. Aamiyn.
[Reference: tafsir Ibn Kathir, Be Patient and Paradise will be Yours(Durussalam books), personal journal and research. And Allaah knows BEST].
Az-Zumar 39:10
قُلْ يَٰعِبَادِ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱتَّقُوا۟ رَبَّكُمْۚ لِلَّذِينَ أَحْسَنُوا۟ فِى هَٰذِهِ ٱلدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةٌۗ وَأَرْضُ ٱللَّهِ وَٰسِعَةٌۗ إِنَّمَا يُوَفَّى ٱلصَّٰبِرُونَ أَجْرَهُم بِغَيْرِ حِسَابٍ
Say, "O My servants who have believed, fear your Lord. For those who do good in this world is good, and the earth of Allah is spacious. Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account."
Have you ever wondered why this surah was named "The Group", indeed Allaah is the most Wise, Glory be to our Lord.
